Crazy Dreams

I would love for someone to look at me and say DAMN.  I want HER body.

Wow, guys.  I am so sick.  All I had in my system was water, and I just kept puking all through class.  I slept for 3 hours and I feel a little better now, so I ordered some (admittedly unhealthy) lasagna, but it’ll be okay because I’m not going to be eating much more, hahaha.  

We’ll see how it goes.

Edit: Just weighed in, and I lost another 1.5lbs! I’ve lost 4 lbs total since I decided to make a change!!! This quick burst of results is really encouraging.

I lost almost 2 and a half pounds!!!! Just from a couple of days of healthy eating and denying my night cravings/candy cravings!

This makes me feel like the weight gain I’ve suffered the past few weeks isn’t permanent :)

Well, I got a Moleskine large daily planner:

to function as my weight loss/wellness journal.  It’s got the times written on it so I can track what I ate when, when I exercised, and how much water I drank.  It feels good so far…I can’t use MFP, I’ve found that it just replaced my bulimia (I’m a non-purging bulimic, btw) and it made me feel healthier, but I was obsessed with it and used to ask it permission before eating and lie to it, and that wasn’t healthy.  So it’s a nice alternative to My Fitness Pal and it lets me be aware and accountable for what I’m eating without counting calories obsessively.

I’ve gained all my weight back.  All. Of. It.  I am actually fatter than I was when I started dieting.  It’s too bad that this is a regular occurrence for me.  I wish I could just get liposuction and make this easier, but obviously I can’t afford that, and my parents would never pay for it.

I’ve been asking for ten whole years, and my mother still acts shocked every time I ask, like it’s something new.  I don’t understand why she doesn’t understand.  She can just starve and the weight will fall off.  She just “doesn’t eat on Tuesdays” and that’s just okay. But me? I get hungry.  It’s super upsetting.

I guess I need to start cooking, stop ordering in, and start taking control of my life.  I know I need to exercise, but it just seems like such a gargantuan task because I have to lose 20-25lbs by September, and get my pointe work up to speed if I ever want to wear a tutu ever in my life.  My time is dwindling, and it fucking hurts that I honestly don’t know if I can accomplish my goal since 7th grade.

I’m scared.